June 6, 2023

Pawan….Is that you?

  • September 10, 2018
  • 7 min read
Pawan….Is that you?

Hello Anamika. Pawan called her just after entering the campus gate. Anamika didn’t listened or pretended as if she didn’t. Oh, she must be studying in her phone, Pawan guessed. Why I am disturbing her. I am so foolish, Pawan whispered. It was a 3rd year annual examination day in medical school. Almost everybody were immersed in their notes and preparation materials just outside the examination hall. Some were just acting cool by not studying in front of examination hall. Bloody show off, Pawan thought. And some were enjoying the last minute anxiety scenario of medical students being well prepared beforehand.

Roll No. 6, Pawan the teacher’s voice was loud and clear. Oh, why I am still outside, Pawan laughed on himself and went inside the room. Again, at the front seat. Why can’t they put me somewhere else? He was unhappy with the seat planning. These MCQs should be easy. He just calculated the total marks before attempting the question. I could easily mark 100 questions wrong and still pass. That should not be that hard, Pawan thought. He remembered his friends and relatives before joining medical school telling him that it would be so hard to even pass in the medical school. “They don’t know what’s inside medical school, that’s why they are outside”, Pawan felt proud of himself being passed consistently without much studying.

“May I go out, Sir?” Jayandra’s voice disturbed Pawan’s monologue. No, it’s been just 15 minutes, teacher told. Oh, 15 minutes gone. I haven’t even looked at the questions properly, Pawan told himself furiously. He went through the questions. He felt most of those very simple. If I had known questions would be like this, I would have studied harder. Even with this little preparation I could easily pass. May be I could be topper if I had studied properly. He wished to have the charisma of the topper for once. Maybe I would be famous in college or who knows, maybe Isha might get impressed. Well, there is always another chance. I should study properly from the very first day of next year, he felt determined.

Last 15 minutes remaining. The invigilator warned the students. Just one more question, Pawan inspired himself. Maybe it’s ‘a’ or‘d’. He then remembered one article where it was told that most teachers put answers on ‘c’. May be I should try some mantra, he thought. But that would be too superstitious. I think I have heard it somewhere, he tried to remember the answer. How hard it is to solve a question. Who the hell keep this sort of question just to torture the students, he became angry. Options are so hard to choose in life. He remembered his own life where he was given multiple opportunities which he didn’t used properly. He never wanted to study anytime in his life and his parents motivated him to take the burden of high school and college life would be a cakewalk. Then again he wanted to do something in life on photography after school but his parents were tenacious about their decision but left the decision up to him. He remembered that night when he decided what he had to do after class 10. I should do what my parents say, he thought. In case I fail, I could easily blame them for not letting me follow my passion. Either way, I should be in gain, he felt proud for coming up with such a unique solution. He then did what his parents wanted. Then he remembered taking stand on buying his favorite food, clothes, TV shows and gadgets. At least I am determined at something, he told himself. Similar dilemma followed after class 12. It’s been few years in the medical school and he had realized from the very first week that it’s not his cup of tea, at least not just how he is doing it here. Every time the result is announced he thanked God for saving him this time and promised to not to repeat the negligence and carelessness again. My prayers are always answered, he sounded like a spiritual guru being blessed.

Yeah, its option ‘d’. He ticked the option without a second thought. What difference one question make? He was angry for having to spend so much time for one question. I need not worry. May be my guess is right he thought. May be Isha is also treating me similarly like an option, he all at once became sad. He used to talk to her and sit with her in class but he was not able to know what she thinks. May be I didn’t tried hard enough, he thought. May be she is not interested or not ready for a relationship. May be she loves someone else. Oh, these god damn possibilities and options! He was furious. But I should focus on study at this stage of life, he thought. Now I should be serious about study. Isha is not going anywhere. I love her and forever will, he looked her back in the examination hall. She was busy with solving questions. She is so studious, I wish I was like her. May be she didn’t like me because I am like this, Pawan guessed.

“Time up”. The teacher began collecting the papers. Pawan smiled. He was surprised why the teacher didn’t scolded him for turning back because time was over. He left the room. Students were discussing questions in group. Somewhere Pawan heard his name called by Isha and some others. She was talking with her friends. I think I imagined. I think I am going crazy for her, he remembered all the Bollywood movies he had watched and wished similar ending to his story with Isha. I should be going home for study, he murmured. These discussions after aren’t helpful anyway. The much dreaded practical and viva exam are yet to arrive, he said. Let these people waste time, he said seeing his friends discussing and chatting with each other. But I too have wasted enormous amount of time on many wasteful things from YouTube binges to spending whole day sleeping in bed, he remembered. But those were not in the exam week. How can I study at all time? I should enjoy as well apart from study, he managed to convince himself. But exam time should not be wasted, he told himself and rushed home.

On the way to home he felt so cool and so determined. All his problems seem to melt away like a docile drop of dew in scorching heat of sun. Exams are not that hard if I study. If not Isha, there are millions of other girls. At least friendship is better than nothing. Many similar problems just seemed worthless to him. The main problem is that I am not taking full responsibility and actions in my life. He promised himself to be a responsible person now onwards. Many obstacles are yet to come and I am so frustrated with just two decades spent on this planet, he laughed at himself.

‘Not again.’ Pawan became frustrated all at once He saw many shoes outside his house. Oh these guests, he shouted angrily. Fortunately no one was there. No matter how hard I try to do something in life, something bad always happens, he said. He was angry as his father and mother were so friendly. How can they allow guests during my final exams? I just have so many plans to study. I must take a stand on this, he spoke loudly.

“Mummy” “Mummy”, he entered shouting. His mother was lying on the floor with his dad and all relatives around them trying to console them. Oh, that’s me, he shouted or is that really someone like me. Oh, that’s my body. All his dreams and aspirations were shattered all at once. Oh damn, I am dead!

(Based on many mythologies that the dead soul that has committed suicide has to remain trapped in earth helplessly watching what has happened till the time of his/her natural death)


Story by :

Anish Dhakal (Aryan) Patan Academy of Health Sciences (PAHS) MBBS 4th Year
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