Best Medical Jokes

• Laughter relaxes the whole body: Relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after.
• Laughter boosts the immune system: Decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies.
• Laughter triggers the release of endorphins: Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain.
• Laughter protects the heart: Improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow.

Slash My Wrists Or Blow My Brains Out?

Patient: I can’t decide whether to slash my wrists, or blow my brains out.
Psychiatrist: You have difficulty making decisions.

Difference between hematologist and urologist

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger.

Doctor’s logic

When the hospital Board of Directors asked a panel of doctors to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital:

1. Allergists voted to scratch it
2. Dermatologists advised no rash moves.
3. Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it
4. Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve
5. Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception
6. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted
7. Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body,”
8. Pediatricians said, “Grow up!”
9. Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness
10. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing
11. Radiologists could see right through it
12. Plastic surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter”
13. Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water
14. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas
15. Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no
16. Proctologists left the decision up to some bum

It’s a simple operation

A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair, just before his operation.

• Nurse: What’s the matter?
• Patient: I heard the nurse say, “It’s a very simple operation. Don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.”
• Nurse: She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?
• Patient: She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!

Anesthesiologist’s Bill

Mariana received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $1500 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.

• Mariana: Is this some kind of mistake?
• Doctor: No, not at all.
• Mariana: Well, that’s awfully costly for knocking someone out.
• Doctor: Not at all. I knock you out for free. The 1500 $ is for bringing you back around.

Difference between neurotic and psychotic

• A psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5
• A neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him

Can I play the piano once these are off ?

A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has had major surgery to both of his hands.

• Patient: (excitedly) Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?
• Doctor: I don’t see why not
• Man: That’s funny. I wasn’t able to play it before.

10 things you don’t want to hear during a surgery

1. Has anyone seen my watch?
2. Come back with that! Bad Dog!
3. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
4. What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
5. Damn, there go the lights again…
6. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
7. What do you mean, he’s not insured?
8. Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “Bay Watch”
9. What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
10. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Love of Romeo and Juliet in Mental Hospital

Romeo and Juliet were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Romeo suddenly jumped into the deep end and sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Juliet promptly jumped in, swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Juliet’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

She went to tell Juliet the news:

• Nurse: Juliet, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
• Juliet: What is the bad news?
• Nurse: Romeo hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.
• Juliet: He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?

Is it mine?

• Question: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
• Answer: ‘Is it mine?’

History of Development of Medicine

Complaint: I have an earache.

1. 2000 B.C. : Eat this root
2. 1000 A.D. : That root is heathen, say this prayer.
3. 1850 A.D. : That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
4. 1940 A.D. : That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
5. 1985 A.D. : That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
6. 2000 A.D. : That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

Cure for cough

The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

• Owner: What’s with that guy over there by the wall?
• Clerk: Well, he came in here at 6 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives.
• Owner: You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!
• Clerk: Oh yeah? Look at him – he’s afraid to cough!

Lawyer vs Doctor

A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It’s so large that they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains:

1. Rocket scientist brains : $10 an ounce
2. Regular scientist brains : $15 an ounce
3. Lawyer brains : $800 an ounce.

• Lawyer: This is a ripoff! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?
• Doctor: Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?

Professional jealousy

• Doctor: You have a terrible vital attack. Why didn’t you come earlier?
• Patient: I had gone to another doctor, before I came to you.
• Doctor: (getting jealous) so what stupid advice did the doctor give you?
• Patient: He advice me to see you.

Good news, Bad news

• Patient: I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?
• Doctor: You’ve had an accident involving a bus.
• Patient: What happened?
• Doctor: Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?
• Patient: Give me the bad news first.
• Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
• Patient: That’s terrible! What’s the good news?
• Doctor: There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Busy Doctor

• Receptionist: Doctor, Doctor, there’s an invisible man outside waiting for you!
• Doctor: Tell him I can’t see him at the moment

Pretending Busy Doctor

A young doctor had just opened office and felt really excited. His secretary told him a man was here to see him. The young doctor told her to send him in. Pretending to be a busy doctor, he picked up the phone just as the man came in.

• Doctor: Yes, that’s right. The fee is $200. Yes, I’ll expect you 10 o clock. Alright. No later. I’m a very busy man.

He hung up and turned to the man waiting.

• Doctor: May I help you?
• Man: No, I just came in to install the phone.

Become a Dermatologist in 2 steps

For dry skin: add moisture
For moist skin: add dryness
Congratulations, now you are a dermatologist.

Pneumonia

• Patient: Doctor, are you sure I’m suffering from pneumonia? I’ve heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus.
• Doctor: Don’t worry, it won’t happen with me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia.

Code of ethical behavior for patients

1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.
5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in terms that you would understand.
6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.
10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR’S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.

Memory test

A Psychiatrist conducts a memory test with 3 of his patients:

• Doctor: What is 3 X 3?
• Patient 1: 274
• Doctor: (pointing towards 2nd patient) It’s your turn. What is 3 X 3?
• Patient 2:Tuesday
• Doctor: (sadly turning towards 3rd patient) Okay, your turn. What’s 3 X 3?
• Patient 3: 9
• Doctor: That’s great! How did you get that?
• Patient 3: Simple just subtract 274 from Tuesday.

Accepting ugliness

A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist. She walked into his office:

• Woman: Doctor, I’m so depressed and lonely. I don’t have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?
• Psychiatrist: I’m sure I can. Just go over there and lie face down on that couch.

Bad and Very bad news

• Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
• Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
• Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
• Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What’s the very bad news?
• Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Polish patient

A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the finger was broken.

Poor old lady

This old lady walks into the Doctor’s office:

• Lady: Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It’s not really a social problem, because you can’t smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you.
• Doctor: Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me.

The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry.

• Lady: What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can’t hear them, but now they smell horrible!
• Doctor: Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let’s work on your hearing.

Good and Bad News

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination:

• Doctor: I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?
• Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
• Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about 2 years left.
• Patient: OH NO! That’s awful! In 2 years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
• Doctor: You also have Alzheimer’s. In about 3 months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Sex change

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.

• Friend: Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.
• Guy: Not really, I hardly felt it.
• Friend: Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!
• Guy: Nope, I didn’t really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain.

Don’t do that

• Patient (lifting arm): Doctor, it hurts when I do this.
• Doctor: Don’t do that.

Blonde’s Medical Dictionary

1. Antibody: against everyone
2. Artery: study of paintings
3. Bacteria: back door to a cafeteria
4. Barium: what to do when treatment fails
5. Bowel: letters like A E I O or U
6. Cesarean Section: a district in Rome
7. Cardiology: advanced study of poker playing
8. Cat Scan: searching for ones lost kitty
9. Cauterize: made eye contact with her
10. Colic: sheep dog
11. Coma: punctuation mark
12. Congenital: friendly
13. Dilate: to live long
14. Enema: not a friend
15. Fester: quicker
16. Genes: blue denim slacks
17. Genital: non-Jewish
18. Hangnail: coat hook
19. Hemorrhoid: a male From outer space
20. Herpes: what women do in the Ladies Room
21. Hormones: what a prostitute does when she doesn’t get paid
22. Impotent: distinguished, well known
23. Inpatient: tired of waiting
24. Labor Pain: hurt at work
25. Minor Operation: coal digging
26. Morbid: a higher bid
27. Nitrate: cheaper than the Day Rate
28. Node: was aware of
29. Organic: organ repairman
30. Outpatient: a person who has fainted
31. Paralyze: two far-fetched stories
32. Pharmacist: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
33. Post-Operative: a letter carrier
34. Protein: in favor of young people
35. Recovery Room: place to upholster furniture
36. Rectum: what happened to the Corvette
37. Rheumatic: amorous
38. Saline: where you go on your boyfriend’s boat
39. Secretion: hiding something
40. Tablet: a small table
41. Terminal Illness: getting sick at the airport
42. Tibia: country in North Africa
43. Tumor: an extra pair
44. Urine: opposite of You’re Out
45. Varicose: nearby
46. Vein: conceited

Doctoring Doctor Doctored

• Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
• Father: Ok ask.
• Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor?
• Father : ??????

Labour Pains

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival:

• Doctor: I have invented a new machine that will transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the father. Are you willing to try it out?
• Couple: Yes, why not!

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband’s blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer all the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

How to live?

A man hears from his doctor that he has cancer and only has six months to live. The doctor recommends that he marry an accountant and move to Cultra. The man asks, “Will this cure my cancer?” “No,” said the doctor, “but the six months will seem much longer!”

New Speciality

• Question: What do you call a doctor who is always on the telephone?
• Answer: An ON-CALLogist.

Caring Wife

A man isn’t feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife.

• Doctor: Your husband has cancer.
• Wife: Can he be cured?
• Doctor: There’s a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you will need to take care of him every day for the next year – cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on.

When the wife comes out to the waiting room:

• Husband: What did the doctor say?
• Wife: He said that you’re going to die.

Pay the Bills

• Doctor: The tests show that your cancer is advanced. You have 6 months to live.
• Patient: But, doc, I can’t pay off my medical bills in 6 months.
• Doctor: In that case, you have 6 months more.

Cancer cures smoking, eventually

Children Surgery

Two little kids lined up for surgery are lying in stretchers outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”

The first kid tries to reassure the other and says, “Oh! don’t worry. It’s very simple. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.”

The second kid, feeling a little better, then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”

The second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”